Just how does one become a Grandma?
I was not fortunate enough to have any Grandparents in my childhood, so they have always been somewhat of an enigma to me. Certainly, I have never really understood how incredibly important they are and the role they play in a child’s life.
So, how the hell am I going to become one of these elite human beings?
Is there a place that I can visit (a bit like the Apple store), where I can be digitally downloaded with all the relevant words of wisdom required to enrich my Granddaughter’s life?
Are there classes that I can attend that will calm me down and give me the much-needed maturity that I need to fulfil this role?
Is there such a thing as Grandma School?
I have so many questions that Google has told me to find another search engine.
Am I going to suddenly become this amazing stereotypical grandparent that is selfless, sensible and says and does all the right things? Once the baby has arrived am I going to find my hoody and skinny jeans have been replaced with black slacks and a pashmina?
Will I stop playing my music so loud that my car shakes and start listening to Radio 4?
And let’s not forget about Vodka. Am I still allowed to drink it? Am I going to have to settle for 5-year-old sherry found in the back of a cupboard, or weak cups of tea.
Will I start watching children’s TV (Peppa Pig, I love you) and stop watching the latest box set?
Will the frequent expletives in my somewhat colourful language be substituted with phrases like ‘flipping heck’ or ‘fiddle sticks?‘
Will I stop reading erotic fiction and start reading Baby ‘How To’ books?
Will my internet searches be full of ways to stimulate your Grandchild’s development rather than other kinds of stimulation…
I mean, do Grandparents even have sex? Does that stop? Am I supposed to stop wanting it?? I might be 47, but I am only 47. (sorry kids).
Is this tiny person actually going to turn me into a proper grown up?