Grandma School

Just how does one become a Grandma?

I was not fortunate enough to have any Grandparents in my childhood, so they have always been somewhat of an enigma to me. Certainly, I have never really understood  how incredibly important they are and the role they play in a child’s life.

So, how the hell am I going to become one of these elite human beings?

Is there a place  that I can visit (a bit like the Apple store), where I can be digitally downloaded with all the relevant words of wisdom required to enrich my Granddaughter’s life?

Are there classes that I can attend that will calm me down and give me the much-needed maturity that I need to fulfil this role?

Is there such a thing as Grandma School?

I have so many questions that Google has told me to find another search engine.

Am I going to suddenly become this amazing stereotypical grandparent that is selfless, sensible and says and does all the right things? Once the baby has arrived am I going to find my hoody and skinny jeans have been replaced with black slacks and a pashmina?

Will I stop playing my music so loud that my car shakes and start listening to Radio 4?

And let’s not forget about Vodka. Am I still allowed to drink it?  Am I going to have to settle for 5-year-old sherry found in the back of a cupboard, or weak cups of tea.

Will I start watching children’s TV (Peppa Pig, I love you) and stop watching the latest box set?

Will the frequent expletives in my somewhat colourful language be substituted with  phrases like ‘flipping heck’ or ‘fiddle sticks?

Will I stop reading erotic fiction and start reading Baby ‘How To’ books?

Will my internet searches be full of ways to stimulate your Grandchild’s development rather than other kinds of stimulation…

I mean, do Grandparents even have sex?  Does that stop? Am I supposed to stop wanting it??  I might be 47, but I am only 47. (sorry kids).

Is this tiny person actually going to turn me into a proper grown up?

phoebe asleep on the floor







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