I am exhausted, exasperated and worn out by People.
I sometimes feel like I am an alien that has been left behind by my Mothership.
I have had a tough couple of weeks, both professionally and personally. My actions in my place of work have come into question which has resulted in me over-analysing my ability to deal with said people. Despite a wealth of experience, I am re-living conversations, feeling guarded and uncomfortable. As always, it got me thinking.
Just why the f*** can’t people say what they mean?
Surely honesty is always the best policy?
I do not cope well with unrest. It bothers me, mainly because, in the majority of cases, it can be completely avoided, if the affected parties just ‘got it off their chest’ and cleared the air. That is how I see it. It is that black and white.
Gossip and rumours serve only to hurt and flame the fires of discontent. Misunderstanding, assumption and confusion lead to more of the same. And so it goes on. We are all different, we look at situations from all sorts of angles, but the resolution is usually communication in some form or another. We all have our weaknesses and areas of our personalities that can grate on our fellow human beings. I am more than aware of mine. I know what mine are. I accept them and quite frankly, do not want to change them. I was once told that I was the person that would say the one thing that everyone in a room was thinking but was too afraid to say. I don’t know if that was supposed to be a compliment or a criticism. Personally, I like that about myself.
I am often misunderstood, but I am never interested enough to take the time for people to get to know me. I genuinely do not feel affected by their opinions, maybe I should. Maybe I should be working on my attitude and my sharp tongue. But I’m not.
I do, however, wonder what happened for me to have become this person.
How do we all arrive in this world, innocent and unblemished and turn into insecure, irrational, vulnerable human beings? What on earth does this life do to us that causes such pain? We all have our own experiences and these obviously shape our lives in ways we cannot always begin to understand. The impact can sometimes be positive, despite how we feel about it. I still grieve for my Dad and I always will. There has been a huge hole in my life, but this made me determined that my own family would have an incredible role model for a Father and Grandfather.
When I look back, I see and hear situations that have had an effect on the person I am today. A child that is surrounded by negativity will, inevitably, carry some of this into their adult life. A child that is not shown love or is made to feel unwanted, will undoubtedly have problems forming true relationships of any kind. We have a choice. We can repeat the cycle or we can break it.
When I learned that I was going to be a Grandma, I decided to break it.
I wanted to shower the baby with nothing but love, positive reinforcement and let her do whatever she wanted. With my own children, I was very strict and more like my Mother than I have ever been prepared to admit. It is something that I regret every day.
Phoebe, at the tender age of 8 months old, is already perfecting the art of throwing herself on the floor in utter despair when she doesn’t get her own way. It is, at the moment, quite comical as she is so little and ridiculously cute, BUT is this going to progress into full blown temper tantrums? She has been shown nothing but total and utter love and yet, in a classic twist of irony, this seems to be shaping her personality in the opposite way.
Are our personality traits already completely pre-programmed? Is there any point in even trying to change the things we don’t like about ourselves? Is it wrong to just accept our flaws and get on with it? Would I still be this ‘Rottweiler’ if my experiences had been different?
I can’t decide. I just needed to get this off my chest. I don’t think I will be changing anything, anytime soon, just maybe the way I think about it.